Note: This article is based on an interview from the Czech Television’s “Good Morning” programme. Link to the CT archive below (in Czech language only).
In recent years, a significant portion of dating has moved to the online environment. As a psychologist, therapist and university lecturer, I had the opportunity to discuss this phenomenon on Czech Television’s “Good Morning” programme. Below you’ll find the main ideas discussed in the programme and some recommendations that may help when looking for a partner in the digital world. You can find more details in CT’s online archive – see links to the three parts of this programme below… And apologies, I look quite tired there. “Good Morning” tends to be “good” for viewers, not for the performers who must wake up around one, two, or three in the morning (if they’re not local) to make it to the live broadcast at one of the CT studios (this broadcast is from Brno; and right after the live transmission, I get in my car and drive to teach in Ostrava – all unpaid, of course, even paying for my own petrol – which is quite an absurd aspect of TV appearances, where either no fee is provided or one that barely covers a train ticket, let alone car expenses, even when taking the train isn’t feasible).
How Do We Date Online?
According to statistics, online dating has become the most common way to find a potential partner, especially for the generation between roughly 20 and 50 years of age. (This doesn’t mean that most people meet this way, but it is the most frequent method of meeting in certain generations. Others include meeting at work, in bars, chance encounters, etc.) Online dating offers several advantages – for instance, we can set preferences regarding education, interests, or lifestyle beforehand and meet people we might not encounter in everyday life.
Unfortunately, online dating also has its limitations, and not minor ones. While some people don’t lie more on dating sites than in real life, a certain degree of embellishment is common, and research indicates that the level of embellishment or outright lying is higher in the online world (partly depending on the platform through which we’re dating. For example, paid dating sites tend to have a slightly lower percentage of lying, but of course, this isn’t always the case). Moreover, the “chemistry” between two people cannot be fully discerned through a screen – that only manifests during personal meetings, when we actually see and “smell” each other (the olfactory brain cannot be easily fooled – except by things like alcohol – and strongly indicates our sexual compatibility, for example).
Risks of Online Dating and How to Protect Yourself
We must be cautious when dating online. Common problems include fake profiles or people pretending to be someone else. Here are several tips for protection:
Request a video call as soon as possible Try to get references from real people (sometimes fake profiles of people living far from you deliberately contact you – does it make sense to develop a relationship with someone from Ash when you live in Uherské Hradiště or Ostrava?) Be careful if someone constantly refuses to meet in person (it’s good to meet face-to-face as soon as possible) Remember that some people can hide their true nature for months! (And unfortunately, there are known cases where this has gone on for years. In practice, I’ve encountered people who knew someone well for one, two, ten or even 20 years, and only when the relationship became serious and a child or other commitment like marriage came along did the pathology fully manifest and domestic violence or other serious problems begin – as friends or acquaintances, these people seemed absolutely fine!)
How to Develop a Relationship That Started Online?
The key rule is: move to meeting in person as soon as possible. Ideally, around the second or third contact (or as soon as we find that we like the person), there should be a meeting in the real world. Why? The longer we stay solely in the online environment, the greater the risk of creating an unrealistic image of the other person and falling in love (this often happens with fake profiles of Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, American soldiers on the front line, neurosurgeons from America, etc.) and then sending money to this person so they can visit us. It’s sad to see how many people fall for this. And these are often otherwise sensible people – love is simply blind, and when we’re really missing something (like kind words or a hug), those “bastards, those scammers” on the other side can tell (how easy it is, for example, to determine from a public profile on FB, IG, etc., that a certain older lady is a widow or single). Please don’t be too blind. Maintaining a bit of “rationality” really pays off (while of course keeping a bit of irrational lightness as well).
For the first date, choose a public space, such as a café. This gives both parties a sense of security and the ability to end the meeting at any time. Beware of prolonged online infatuation – it can be difficult to later accept reality, which may differ significantly from our imagination, and yet it might not be easy to leave the relationship (because we already love the other person or we’ve developed a dependency on someone writing to us).
Maintaining a Relationship in the Long Term
If online dating turns into a real relationship, we face the same challenges as in any other partnership. Here are some tips for a long-term relationship:
Learn to communicate about difficult topics During conflicts, wait until the initial anger subsides before addressing the problem A relationship requires respect, love, listening – then usually comes the willingness to negotiate more difficult topics Accept that your partner won’t be perfect (apart from “Brad Pitt” etc., no one is perfect) but focus on essential things, whether you’re missing something truly important in the relationship Use partnership as an opportunity for personal growth – living alone is simpler in some ways. But being in a relationship is also very valuable – we can enjoy happiness together and also receive feedback on our less flattering traits, which we can then somewhat cultivate.
Conclusion
Online dating can be an excellent tool for finding a partner if we approach it with reasonable caution and realism. The key is to move into the real world as soon as possible and give the relationship a chance to develop naturally, face-to-face. And remember – even if the beginning of a relationship might be online, maintaining and developing it requires primarily personal contact, honest communication, and mutual respect.
Note: This article is based on an interview from Czech Television’s “Good Morning” programme from 20th March 2023. Modern Ways of Dating – link to the full Good Morning programme. Or click on the images below (the link will take you directly to my segment). In Czech language only.
CT interview: part 1 (online dating) Link: https://www.ceskatelevize.cz/porady/10435049455-dobre-rano/323291310020026/cast/969008/
CT interview: part 2 (developing the relationship) Link: https://www.ceskatelevize.cz/porady/10435049455-dobre-rano/323291310020026/cast/969015/
CT interview: part 3 (maintaining the relationship) Link: https://www.ceskatelevize.cz/porady/10435049455-dobre-rano/323291310020026/cast/969025/